


blanked

by armethaumaturgy



Series: Fate rolled the dice and the outcome was us [4]
Category: Elsword (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 17:32:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12370584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/armethaumaturgy/pseuds/armethaumaturgy
Summary: He pauses halfway through pulling the jacket on, arm outstretched. So Lusa only came to get him because Masi couldn’t go. That's… fine. That’s fine. Yeah, it’s totally fine.He shoves his hand through the sleeve and motions for his Dynamo. It arranges itself aground him, somehow even more in disarray than usual, if that’s even possible. Well, one of them is vibrating incessantly, so he guesses it is possible.





	1. Chapter 1

The screen blurs before Esper as he yawns. Through the moisture clinging to his eyelashes, he peeks at the clock. 5AM and something glares right back at him in big green letters, and he sighs.

He hasn’t really gotten far with his calculations today (or tonight), but with the dawn breaking soon, he is more than tired.

“Maybe later, then,” he mutters to the silent screen, looking over the numbers once more before he shuts it down.

Once the quiet, steady hum of the computer fades, he’s left in an oppressing silence, and it follows him as he trudges his way through the halls to the bedroom.

He feels as if he should be used to it.

The door opens with a soft creak and he slips inside. Lusa and Masi are sprawled on the king-sized bed, twined together so close Esper isn’t sure which leg is whose in the dark. He pauses, throat suddenly dry and legs shaking. He chalks it up to sleep deprivation.

Lusa stirs, raising his head a little. He doesn’t open his eyes and his voice is slurred with sleep. “Come join us, Es,” he says, nuzzling the side of his face against Masi’s wild hair.

Esper’s chest squeezes painfully for some reason. He gulps around the lump suddenly in his throat, even though it’s painful. He casts his eyes to the ground, willing his body to move, to do something,  _anything_.

“Sorry,” he ends up saying, quiet in the still air, “I just need something.”

Lusa doesn’t move an inch as he goes to the bedside table and opens a drawer, only solidifying Esper’s hunch that he’d fallen asleep again. Esper’s fingers curl around the first thing he finds, a data card, perfect, and he retreats faster than probably necessary.

He spares one last glance to his lovers, chest still feeling like a cage that won’t allow him to breathe properly. And with that, confirming they’re unbothered, still asleep and still tangled together, Esper leaves them, dragging his feet back to the lab.

He’s not even sure what the data card he’d grabbed has on it, but he’s sure it’s not anything that would allow him to make progress. After all, it’s his card.

Still, he jams it into the computer and only winces minimally as the screen comes to life, bright light burning his retinas for a moment.

Maybe later is now.

* * *

As much as Esper likes Apos, he has to admit the man has no regards for atmosphere and is too blunt. Not that either ever really bothered him, but it does now and he doesn’t know why.

“They look like they’re having fun,” Apos says, eyes trained to Masi telling Lusa something. Lusa looks enraptured with whatever it is. “Why aren’t you with them?”

Really, Esper thinks he’d rather deal with Arme at the moment. At least the holier man didn’t comment on unnecessary things.

“Exactly for that,” Esper finds himself saying, knowing full well Apos will have no idea what he means. It manages to ease the constricting feeling of his heart imploding, if only for a moment. Or maybe it doesn’t, maybe he just came to terms and not saying a lie for once cemented it.

He doesn’t expect Apos to pierce him with a blank look. The longer he keeps it up, the worse Esper feels. Does Apos understand? Did he piece it together?

Esper has the urge to grab his shoulders, shake him, pull him away so he’d be free to yell and plead with him. The eye following the ex-priest only serves to double the pressure of the stare. Who even is on the other side of it?

A god? Is a god watching him be this pathetic?

“Apos,” Esper forces out, brows set together into a frown.

He didn’t even know what he’d say, if there even was anything, but it doesn’t matter, because Apos cuts him off before he could stammer out anything else anyhow. “Let’s get some food.” Apos’ voice is soft and he twists on a heel and marches down the street towards the square. Esper falls in step with him with ease, without even thinking about it.

He feels like he’d been wrong, because maybe Apos can always read the atmosphere. He always does things like this, and Esper would be lying if he said he wasn’t glad to be away from the cute smile on Masi’s face and the grinning, happy look on Lusa’s.

It doesn’t make any sense, but when was the last time anything in his life made any sense? He should be happy they’re having fun together, not wanting the ground to open up so he could fall through it straight to Henir’s realm.

“Thanks, Apos,” he mutters, looking up at the taller man with what he hopes is a nice, grateful smile.

Apos returns it, a small raise of the corners of his lips. Esper isn’t sure when the other warmed up to him, but the same could go the other way, he supposed. They find themselves in front of Esper’s favorite inn, and once again he’s reminded of how observant Apos is.

He feels the need to thank him again, but forces it down along with the sinking feeling in his gut that hadn’t left him for a week.

* * *

He knows, logically he knows that running away won’t solve anything, but the thought of having a conversation with both Lusa and Masi and having to admit himself in front of the both of them is nauseating, to say the least.

So he doesn’t. It’s probably normal, right?

It’s not like he has much experience with love, and he isn’t going to go about and ask someone, but it has to be normal. Maybe Ref wouldn’t laugh at him, but it’s not like he has any desire to spend hours preparing how to explain what he’s feeling.

He doesn’t know what and why he’s feeling in the first place, how would he expect anyone else to?

There’s a knock to his door before it opens. Esper didn’t need to look to know it’s Lusa, but he does anyway, meeting his bright grin.

“Es, come to the desert with me,” Lusa asks, though it sounds more like a command than a request.

Even still, Esper’s heart picks up, giddiness spreading through him like plague. “Sure,” he replies before Lusa even fully finishes.

“Sweet! Masi said he needed to get a sample from the Behemoth’s body, but he doesn’t have the time. And I don’t want to go alone,” Lusa explains as Esper gets ready, pulling on his gear.

He pauses halfway through pulling the jacket on, arm outstretched. So Lusa only came to get him because Masi couldn’t go. That's… fine. That’s fine. Yeah, it’s totally fine.

He shoves his hand through the sleeve and motions for his Dynamo. It arranges itself aground him, somehow even more in disarray than usual, if that’s even possible. Well, one of them is vibrating incessantly, so he guesses it is possible.

Lusa doesn’t seem to notice it, thankfully. Esper isn’t sure he’d be able to calm it completely when he feels like puking walking behind Lusa.

* * *

He’d thought maybe having two lovers would be twice as nice. He’d thought him and Masi would work together, would go out and do everything he’d used to do with Lusa, but now he isn’t so sure. The idea is still in his mind, like a weed refusing to be plucked, but the reality seems to have thought different than him.

Watching his lovers from afar, talking or working or doing anything, Esper is hit with the cold hard facts. Lusa and Masi fit together more than him and Lusa ever did or him and Masi ever could.

He should be happy for them. He really should.

But instead he feels like he’d been left for a pack of ghosts to suck out his soul. He doesn’t fight it at this point, just tries to push the feeling as far into the back of his mind as he can.

They’re happy, and they don’t need him for that happiness. In fact, he probably only gets in the way, that’s why they overlook him most of the time.

Which is fine, that’s all he’d ever done anyhow. It’s fine, it really is. Letting them be happy together is the least he could do. That’s what he keeps repeating to himself as he looks over the empty bedroom, with a portal humming faintly next to himself.

And, who knows, maybe it’ll stop sounding like a painful lie if he repeats it enough.


	2. Chapter 2

The door opens behind Masi and he turns, ready to give either of his alternate selves another lecture on the usefulness of knocking, but Lusa's face is set in a concerned frown and it kind of knocks the word out of Masi's throat.

"What's up?" he asks as Lusa looks over the lab.

"Have you seen Esper? I thought he might be here, y'know, working with you," Lusa says, brows only furrowing further.

Masi mirrors him. "No, I haven't see him all day. Or even yesterday."

"Me neither," Lusa mutters. "He didn't say anything about leaving, so where is he?"

"You think something might've happened to him?"

"No, he can take care of himself," Lusa states firmly, shaking his head, "But he always says something when he goes somewhere. I'm worried. What if he's angry at us?"

Masi recrosses his legs, folding his hands at the same time. "Why would he be mad?"

"I dunno, he just... seemed off lately, hasn't he?"

Masi looks down at his shoes, rubbing one against his pant leg to wipe the crystal on it to shine. Yes, he can remember Esper being reclusive lately, even more so than usual. Though he hasn't paid it much attention before.

Maybe he should have.

"Then let's find him, someone's bound to know something."

Lusa brightens up when Masi stands up, patting down his coat. The worried expression on Masi's face doesn't escape him, even if Masi tries keeping it neutral.

For Masi's sake alone, he doesn't say a thing.

* * *

Okay, so maybe staying at Vanessa's barracks and wandering around the streets isn't 'leaving', but it's not like Esper can just up and leave completely, right? (He can, but maybe he doesn't truly want to. Who would help the Gang?)

He'd struck a deal with one of the Ciels, Roy, since he's the most likely one Masi and Lusa would go to. He always seems to know everything. He's banking on luck, because if they go to anyone else who had seen him buying out all the chocolate donuts earlier, he's shit out of luck, because they won't keep quiet.

They don't have a reason to, so it's not like he'd hold it against them. Plus he can outrun both of his lovers. Maybe not outrun, but outmaneuver? Absolutely.

He knows, logically he knows he shouldn't avoid them, should talk to them about his thoughts, but that just seems so… bad, somehow. He's never been the most considerate person in Elrios, he's the first one to admit that, but he doesn't want to burden them with regrets or bring their pity upon himself.

Maybe they never were meant to work. Maybe he was just destined to guide Lusa to Masi, like an indirect red string. He's sure Arme could give him a whole seminar on how the Goddess guides them all where they belong.

He's stupid, for ever having any hope. Why would they ever want him when they have each other? Who would want such a failure? He's not even worth himself, how pathetic.

He's startled out of his thoughts by Asura sitting next to him, with a bright smile on her lips. It's surprising to see her in town, but Esper doesn't say anything.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" she asks him, peering at him curiously. Esper kind of expects her to fall backwards off the bench, but she doesn't. At least not this time.

"I'm hiding," Esper tells her, because really, what's the point in lying?

"You're hiding in a park, sitting on a bench," Asura says, deliberately, to put his choices in perspective.

"I'm not running from demons, I'm just… avoiding someone," he huffs, but he does look away, "I can be out, it's not like it's forbidden."

Asura laughs. "I didn't say it's forbidden, dummy. It's just that you look very miserable. Who are you hiding from? Haha, sorry, avoiding?"

"Masi and Lusa," Esper says. Maybe she could cover for him too, if he asked nicely-

"You're doing a terrible job, then. There they are!"

* * *

Finding Lu and Ciel is never particularly hard, no matter the pair. Either they're shopping, enjoying Ciel's handiwork, or spending time with others. And Noblesse's affinity for tea parties and sweets was widely known.

Lusa had suggested they find Apos, or someone else close to Esper, like Infi or Krim, but all of them are reclusive and finding them is a fest in itself. So it had fallen back to Guard - he always seems to know the whereabouts of everyone, somehow. He was their best bet.

They find them in the gardens, table set up with countless delicacies that make Lusa's mouth water. Noblesse is enjoying a cup of what is no doubt over sweetened tea, and her eyes follow them over the rim of the porcelain dish as they come closer.

"If it isn't my favorite scientists!" she laughs, setting the cup down with a soft chink. "Come to join the afternoon party?"

On a different occasion it wouldn't even be a question, but right now, Masi crosses his arms almost defensively and looks over at Ciel. "No, we just, came to ask something."

"Oh, and what might that be?" Noblesse asks, curiosity peaked.

"Have you seen Esper? We can't find him."

"Did he get lost in time again?" Lu laughs, but just as quickly she quietens down and looks over at Ciel. She studies him for a moment, even though he says nothing. "You know, Ciel?"

Lusa perks up with hope, glancing at the butler. Ciel's features are set in a small frown. He sighs when Lu sends him a pointed look and speaks up. "Very well. He requested I keep it a secret, but I cannot ignore Lu's wishes either. He wished to leave you to your happiness."

"Our happiness? What's that mean?" Lusa bursts, hands clenching by his sides. What was Esper thinking? He's embarrassed to say even though Esper is him, he doesn't know what goes on in that head of his.

"Sounds to me like he's left your little debauchery of a relationship," Noblesse pipes up.

Roy sighs again. "I don't know where he is, but he did say something about staying at the barracks. Please talk to him, he didn't seem happy with this decision."

Roy didn't need to tell them twice.

* * *

 

Asura smiles and waves at them, all giddy. Esper, on the other hand, looks positively terrified. Neither of his lovers is happy to see such an expression on his face, but it only seems to worsen the closer they get.

"Esper! We've been looking all over for you!" Masi huffs when they get within earshot.

It seems to unfreeze Esper and he bolts up, arm out to create a portal, a move Lusa could recognize anywhere. Asura grabs his wrist before he can, though, and he jerks, looking down st her with wide eyes.

"Let go! Sura!" he begs, but she doesn't. For such a small person, her grip is remarkable.

"No. Esper, you should talk to then. You don't want to do something you'll regret," she says, eyes clouding over a little. Esper can tell she's momentarily far, far away, in the sea of memories.

He looks up at Masi and Lusa and his hand twitches in Asura’s hold before going lax. She lets go and smiles at him. He thinks she’s trying to be supportive and reassuring, but he doesn’t feel any better. Anxiety swirls in the pit of his stomach.

Asura stands up and leans close to him so only he hears when she whispers into his ear. “It’ll be okay. You can find me later if you need anything.”

And that, _that_ is reassuring, and Esper is almost ready to cry right then and there. Such kindness is so scarce in this world, but that’s what friends do, isn’t it? Something must show on his face without him being aware, because Asura gives one more reassuring squeeze to his wrist and then she’s running off. It wouldn’t be too hard to find her either, not when she said to; she’ll probably hang around the square, drag Krim for a snack.

“Well, will you tell us why you’ve gone missing?” Masi asks and the anxiety is right back at home within Esper. He turns to them, shoulders hunching. Why does he feel like a child again?

“Masi,” Lusa sighs, turning an apologetic look to Esper, “What he means is, he was worried. We both were. Are.”

A laugh bubbles up from Esper’s throat, no more than a choked chuckle. “That’s stupid, why?”

Masi and Lusa turn to each other with a flabbergasted look. “Alright, that’s it. What the hell is going on?” Masi growls, angry that he had to have been pulled (even though he hadn’t been) from his research only for Esper to be completely uncooperative.

Esper laughs again, head hung so low that his fringe makes his expression unseeable. “You shouldn’t bother anymore,” he says, “I don’t wanna…”

“Bother?” Lusa cuts him off, which is fine, because not even he knows what he would have said. “Masi was the one who wanted to go find you together.”

Esper clenches his hands into fists, nails driving into the skin even through the gloves. Had he only messed up more again? If only he’d been smarted about this, the others wouldn’t have worried needlessly.

Wait, why are they worried anyway? Do they feel obligated to? Is this merely pity? That thought alone manages to bring the taste of bile into his mouth.

“I’m sorry!” he cries suddenly, clenching his jaw so hard it aches, “I’m sorry you feel like you need to do this, but you don’t. It’s fine, I know you like each other more, so I wanted to make it easier on you by leaving! You don’t need to bother with me anymore.”

It came out easier than Esper ever thought it would, but that didn’t help with the empty space suddenly filling his chest. Adrenaline pulses through his veins, but he sags despite it.

“Okay, that settles it,” Masi says after a moment which feels like an entire hour to Esper’s mind. He thinks Masi got it, but he continues, “We have to go back to the lab so I can run some tests on Esper.”

“Masi, what the hell?!” Lusa cries, horrified.

Esper only allows himself a humorless smile; of course, now that there was no romantic attachment, the first thing Masi would want to do is test his corruption.

“Well, I have no fucking idea why he would ever think this,” Masi huffs back. Clothes rustle and when Esper finally forces himself to look up, he can see Masi rubbing his upper arm, a clear testament that Lusa had punched him there. There’s a frown on Lusa’s face.

“Bad joke,” he says, “Bad timing. Bad everything. Just shut up for a minute.”

For once (and maybe this reflects the weight of the current situation), Masi listens, and ever says a soft, “Sorry.”

Lusa steps forward and Esper stays still only by the sheer force of will. He doesn’t need to look any more weaker than he already has. “Es, why do you think this? It’s not, and we don’t want you to leave anywhere.”

Esper wants to believe in Lusa’s voice, because there’s something in it, something softer, careful, something almost soothing. He really wants to, but every other piece of him that isn’t the tiny part of his brain screams no. “You two are better for each other,” he says. He can’t bring himself to look Lusa in the face, much less in the eyes. Masi neither. “It’s very obvious, so I don’t want to get between you.”

“Esper, but you belong between us,” Lusa tells him, reaching out and placing his hand onto Esper’s slender shoulder. Sometimes it’s unbelievable that Lusa is still him; he’s so much bigger, so much stronger. Is it weird to look at his hand and wish it was around his throat so its warmth would be the last thing he’d feel before death? Probably.

“Wait, I get it,” Masi speaks up. There’s a spark in his eyes when Lusa glances over, but it’s far from the usual bright of ideas or happiness. The wrinkles of his grimace seem guilty. “We’ve been neglecting you lately,” he mutters, also stepping forward, “And that’s why you thought… that we didn’t love you anymore.”

Esper can’t do much else but nod. Lusa can feel his shoulder shaking under his hold, so he gives it a small squeeze, hoping it’ll convey… something.

Thinking back on it, Lusa can recall a bunch of times Esper had shied away when the two of them were being affectionate, though he can’t pinpoint the exact time it’d started happening. That only makes him more guilty; he should’ve paid more attention to the details, that’s what they all do, they pay attention to the small things, they mosaic them into a piece.

“That’s wrong,” he utters, “I didn’t know it came across like that, but… we never stopped loving you, not even a bit.”

“And I won’t let you leave even if I have to strap you to a chair while we reassure you,” Masi states. Lusa is ready to tell him off for more inappropriate jokes, but Esper actually laughs this time.

“Really?” he asks, voice cracking in the middle. He finally looks up and there’s dark tears clinging to his lashes, contrasting vividly.

Lusa can’t even imagine being in his shoes right now. What would he have done if Esper and Masi stopped loving him? He’d probably… leave, too. He understands, he really does.

“Really,” he says.

“Really,” Masi echoes.

“I’m… sorry for being so rash, then,” Esper says. He’s doing his best to believe them, not to fall back on the apathy of the world.

Lusa wraps his arms around him and brings him close, practically squishing him against his chest. It’s familiar and warm and Esper’s heart feels at ease at last. “No sorries. We’re the ones who should apologize anyway. I’ll make damn sure this doesn’t happen again, if you’ll let me— us.”

“Yes,” Masi mutters, stepping around to press himself against Esper’s back. They used to sleep like this a lot, pressed against each other like a weird sandwich, but never had they done this standing up. Esper has to say it’s nice, feeling a heartbeat against his back and against his own, feel Masi’s hair brushing his nape, their hands squeezing him close. “You’re in for it now, Lusa won’t let you go all day long.”

Esper smothers a smile against Lusa’s shoulder as the brawler protests, “What, no! I’ll let him go!” Quieter, he adds, “If he wants me to.”

“No,” Esper says, still pressed into the soft fabric of Lusa’s vest. It’s half-muffled, but both of them laugh, so it’s still more than audible.

“So would you be willing to give us another chance?” Lusa asks, carding fingers through the mess of Esper’s hair. Esper goes lax in their hold, a testament to just how much he likes the gesture.

“We won’t fuck up anymore,” Masi says, but then he backtracks, “Well, we probably will, but you should talk to us the next time instead of running away.”

“Yeah,” Esper says. His hand finds Masi’s on his hip and he wiggles his fingers into it, lacing them together.

“I can start by treating you to those chocolate cakes with strawberries,” Lusa offers, pulling away. There’s a small wet patch on his shoulders and Esper’s eyes are rimmed with red and puffy, but there’s also a smile on his lips which he leans in to smooch gently.

“With extra cream?” Esper asks, still so close his lips brush against Lusa’s when they move.

“I’ll buy all the fucking cream in the shop if that’s what you want.”

Esper laughs, full of mirth. Lusa and Masi exchange a smile as well, squeezing the hug further as fear finally starts ebbing away from all three of them. Both of them are already forming plans in their minds, thinking back to what Esper had missed out so they could make it up to him. Neither of them wants to let this happen again.

Lusa vows to himself that none of them would ever have to feel like Esper had anymore, even if it would kill him. Which, truthfully, it wouldn’t, only making it easier.

Esper wiggles against Lusa, arching his neck so he could kiss Masi as well. The crystal in his chest is hot against Lusa’s and the brawler couldn’t be more glad.

They decide to grab Esper’s hand each as they head to the bakery, despite the looks some of the citizens still give them.

As they make their way out of the park, Esper mentally promises to find Asura next. He doesn’t need to, but he wants to thank her for grounding him and making him stay. He can’t even imagine this conversation — one he had been dreading for weeks — going any better. And it’s all thanks to her.

Roy, too, he probably told Masi and Lusa in the end.

Thinking about it like this, Esper is reminded how many friends he has; people that care about him, without necessarily wanting anything in return. Vanessa’s concerned look when he asked for a place at the barracks springs into mind, and his mental list of people to thank and maybe apologize to only grows.

But that is a job for future Esper, because present Esper has a date to attend and cakes to eat. And lovers to kiss.


End file.
